"Just in Case" - An Unexpected Thanksgiving

This year my youngest sister had Thanksgiving at her house. I am so used to calling her my little sister, but since she will be 25 in March, I think I need to choose different wording.
She and her man just bought a house together, so we wanted to christen the new dwelling "right." Boy did she ever do that! Yesterday, there were nearly 30 people in her home. That may not seem all that bad to some of you, but considering that this was her FIRST Thanksgiving that she put on, it was a bit daunting.
But I have to tell you, she is such a trooper! And I love her heart. For the last 6 weeks we have talked at least 4 times a week (which is about normal anyways). But as the time has creeped closer, it was a daily, then hourly conversation.
The enormity of this endeavor slowly enveloped our minds as we got closer to the date. Our conversations centered around the number of people, the number of chairs, and the amount of food. I knew it was all going to be OK, because I know my sister. Her motto has always seemed to be: Just in case.
How many pounds of potatoes do you think we will need? 10? I will get 15, just in case.
How much turkey? Two 12 pound birds? Well, I am getting a 19 pounder, two turkey breasts and a ham, just in case. She actually picked up another turkey breast - just in case.
We need appetizers. Let's double all of the recipes, just in case. (We had shrimp cocktail, stuffed mushrooms, hummus, cheese and salami and nuts and berries.) just in case.
I know that everyone likes different kinds of dessert and I want everyone to have what they like, so I ordered a few kinds. *there were 7 and ice cream* Just in case.
I could go on and on... cranberries - green beans - yams. All of it. Just in case. Every time those words came out of her mouth, my heart smiled and I just wanted to hug her. I think it is because she and I are so much alike in this way.
When it comes to family functions or just outings with alot of people, I never know what to expect as far as my boys are concerned.
So I hope for the best and I prepare my children and those around them for the absolute worse and set my mind for the fact that we may have to leave things like this early - just in case.
I packed 15 movies, their favorite toys, some herbal calming tincture, and other comforting items - just in case.
I made sure that I ate enough while cooking so that I would be available to referee at the kids table - just in case.
I had my laundry list of reasons and replies for any and all questions or comments - just in case.

You know what happened? We all had an absolutely fabulous Thanksgiving. There were so many people there and lively conversations just flowed. My kids took to their cousins and the other kids there, and played and laughed! I almost forgot that they were even there. I could be in the kitchen with my sisters, and the big boys (OK, the men) were out back throwing the football, and the kids were all playing as well. I could breathe and just enjoy myself! This was the first Thanksgiving in 5 years that I didn't feel like I was the outsider because of our "specialness."
It was amazing! I thoroughly enjoyed working in the kitchen with my sisters and our "pansy-dish washer." (Love you Peter!! And by the way, I do not remember any groping or the fight that you promised us!) I loved hearing everyone comment on how far the boys have come since they last saw them. I absolutely loved having the entire family together for this joyous occasion. What a blessing!

Highlights to remember:

• The 25 minute drive home from Sam's.
  
• It's eleven, is it too early to start drinking?
  
• All of the men are asleep and I am in the kitchen with the women!
  
• The sharing of the garlic and coconut oil story - this I did not plan on! If you are curious, please email me or leave a comment and I will share privately.
  
• Finding my 5 year old son in my sister's bed with her man's niece. We have pictures to prove it!
  
• The kids having a blanket and pillow fight and then somehow I got in the middle of it and was attacked.
  
• No one coming to my immediate rescue in said attack! :o)
  
• Having my toes cracked.
  
• Karaoke in the bedroom - Life is a highway!
  
• My sister-in-law coming to my rescue from the kiddie table.
  
• Talking about eliminating, constipation, and diarrhea problems as an after dinner conversation.
  
• Making new friends with extended family and smiling so hard that my face hurt when I got home.
  
• Having to have my sister pry the niece off of the car because she wanted to go home with us.

So, will I remember this thanksgiving for the rest of my life? Absolutely. It was a breath of fresh air for my soul. I was able to breathe deep and take in all of the wonderfulness of everyone in that home. That is why I am sharing it with you. I do not want to lose any moment of that day.
So I will write it here as a remembrance - Just In Case.

Why my life will never be considered boring

As some of you may know, my disabled mother lives with my boys and me. I should say that my mother who has an electric scooter and a rather large therapy dog lives with us.
Every night, mom gets on the scooter and takes each boy out for a ride with the dog in tow. First one, then the other. Then it is bath time. She has been extremely proud of herself as she has been allowing my 3 and 5 year olds to actually drive the scooter while she supervises.
All of that is well and good until something like what happened last night happens. I was getting the boys and I ready to head out to church. My mom's scooter was parked in the dining room facing the entry way to the kitchen. There is a wooden gate sectioning off the doorway, and just behind there is a wooden table that holds my $250 mill and $200 mixer along with various baking supplies and covers all of my buckets of grain. Joshua, the 5 year old, gets on the scooter, turns it on, and races it full speed ahead into the kitchen. In the process, destroying the gate, the garbage can, the table and my nerves. He is laughing and having a grand old time, I am breathless at the thought of "if that scooter moves a milimeter, my entire attempt at holistic health and investments thereof are going to crash to the floor." I silently and calmly remove the ex-husband's child from the scooter, hand him to the ex-husband's ex-mother-in-law and climb over the tangled mess of scooter/wood/plastic/table/buckets... praying almost chant-like.. please don't fall, please don't fall... They didn't! Thank you Lord!
I moved all of my appliances, moved the scooter, picked up the remains of the gate and the table and called the ex. Please come over NOW! I need to go to church before I end up having to repent for whatever I will do or say in the next 30 minutes.
When I got home, I got to rationally survey the damage, and I will need to replace an entire table leg corner connector thing.. but if I cannot find one today, I am starting over from scratch. New table. And we will need a new gate. Two actually. One for the kitchen, and one for the scooter.

Then today! My two angels are all crying and screaming because it is against the law of nature to wear more than one article of clothing on your torso at any given moment. I wanted them to wear a shirt and a sweatshirt since it was 50 degrees outside. This sent both of them off into a tyraid. If you have ever witnessed an alligator do a death spin, this is what Josh and Topher look like in full throttle tantrum. I warned them they would get hurt, and Josh did. He was flailing around so hard that he ran his head right into the wall. Oi vei!

They left for school (did you really think I could keep them home with me?) and I was off to pick up my healthy, all natural, holistic, organic, EXPENSIVE milk, eggs and cheese. I purchase these items because I feel led to and that I believe they are the best for my boys. I get all kinds of flack from the mom and the ex, but I notice a huge difference in the boys and myself. I come home and wade through the maze of buckets in my kitchen to the freezer. I placed the eggs and a gallon of milk in the fridge and put the remaining two gallons into the freezer and shut the door. I turn around to walk to the dining room where the cheese is when I hear a rumble, crash, splash! I turn around and one of my gallons of milk has pushed its way to freedom from the freezer and is now all over the kitchen. Notice I did not just say the kitchen floor. It is on the counters, the cupboards, the floors, all of the buckets, the appliances, the wall, the pictures on the wall, and the pantry. Who knew the viscosity of whole, raw milk? So I am cleaning the milk up from, well, everywhere and my mom makes the comment, "Wow, milk sure does clean the floor really well!" I just looked at her with the look of "mother.... go to your room or you will suffer the consequences." Then she says, I thought you were supposed to take milk baths, not bathe the floor in milk. I walk her to her door and push her gently into her room. Then I moved the refrigerator to finish cleaning the floor.
So my kitchen has been completely destroyed and remodeled in the last 18 hours. I have to go and fix my table and buy a new gate. I have to laugh at the fact that this stuff could only happen to me. Or at least I like to think it does. Actually, I have to laugh.... because you shouldn't cry over spilt milk.

A lump of clay

Have you ever worked with clay? I took a pottery class as an elective when I was a sophomore in high school. I had visions of sitting at the pottery wheel and watching it spin and this great work of art come forth from my hands. Boy was I wrong!
Do you know that in order to even get to that point that you have to have already spent a good portion of time working the clay? When you get the clay, it is hard and dry and full of impurities and air pockets. We actually were instructed to just smoosh it and stretch it over and over again in order to get it pliable enough to work with. Then, and this is one of my favorite parts, we had to slam, yes slam, the clay onto the worktable. Why? To force any and all air pockets that were created during the smooshing/stretching to come out. If you were to put a piece into the furnace with an airpocket, it would explode. Not a good thing!
So you do this smoosh, stretch, slam process repeatedly until you end up with a smooth, pliable lump of clay. Now, finally, it can be worked with to begin to be molded into a beautiful creation of art.
At this point, water can be added to keep it moist and pliable, but not too much, because you will end up with a lump of goo, not clay. As the clay begins to reveal its desired form, pieces are discarded that are not needed or are too much or in the way. At each point of this dance of creation and discovery, more and more of the excess clay is removed. What is left is the beautiful work of the creator. The artist's handiwork.
Are you finished? Nope. Now the piece is "fired." It is placed in the furnace to bake and to become hardened, ready for further creativity and beauty. The piece is placed in the kiln and impurities come to the surface while in the furnace. The bonds of the clay are strengthened and solidified so that it can be used for its ultimate purpose. The clay is then cooled. It emerges the same creation, just changed... in color and strength. The fire brought out the impurities.
Out comes the sandpaper. All of the impurities or false ingredients that have come to the surface, are still a part of the creation. They need to be sanded off in order to complete the project. Course sandpaper gives way to find sandpaper as the pieces of imperfection are stripped away. What is left is a shadow of what was given to the artist to begin with, however it is still the same lump of clay. Just further along in the discovery and creation process.
Now we get to decorate! Even when you paint or sketch on the bisque (fired clay) at this point, every stroke causes a buffing to occur. As beauty is given, another layer of the dirt and surface layer is removed. The paint used is never the same color in the bottle as it is after the final firing. You have to trust that the colors selected will be the right ones for your particular piece once it is completed. Yes, you are creating, but the final product cannot be visualized until after it enters the furnace one more time.
If there is a mistake made, as there often are, in the "beautification" process... the paint can be washed away at this point with mere water. You just wash the mistakes away and start over. It is a beautiful and fascinating process. Even if the paint is dry, it can be washed away to begin anew. The artist can even use pencil in order to mark where he wants his colors to go. A guide or a map of his creation. Once it is fired, the pencil burns away. There is no evidence of having even been marked.
At this stage, if the artist is satisfied, the project is set for a final firing. Into the furnace it goes for the final step. The paint is heated as the bisque is fired and it actually becomes a part of the creation. It is not just another layer on its "person." The creation and the markings of the creator become one. If there are any fault lines or hairline fractures, they are actually strengthened in this final phase. The piece is "put to the test" and comes out shiny and new and ready to be used.
Some artists make pieces just as decoration. Some actually intend to put their pieces to use. I prefer the latter. Why go through all of these steps to have your handiwork sit upon a shelf to collect dust? Fear that it will be used and chipped? That adds character and uniqueness. What if it doesn't work as I intended it to ? Then there is another purpose for the creation that what you had originally in mind. Beauty and purpose is in the eye of the creator.

Research Project

Ok, so I have to do a project. It seems a bit overwhelming. We are dealing with insecurity, fear, perception and reality. A bit of a heavy course? Definitely! Have I enjoyed every moment of the class? Absolutely! BUT ~ here is where the rubber meets the road so to speak.
The main purpose of this particular lesson is to blast apart our perceptions of ourselves and tear down all of the lies and chatter that we spend most of our time telling ourselves. I know you know what I am talking about...
I am not good enough; bad things always happen to me; I don't deserve anything; no one likes me anyways... etc. And let's not even get started on the whole body image stuff!
Ugh! So, one of the projects we can choose - and there are added points assigned to how difficult the project will be to undertake - is to survey 25-50 people in our lives to get their HONEST perspective of who and what we are and represent. I, being the first born, high achiever - of course have accepted the most difficult one on the list.
These surveys can be done anonymously so that if someone wants to tell you something constructive or critical, they do not have to place their name on it. Once the surveys are completed, we are to compile the answers and see if we agree or disagree, and make a commitment to ourselves to make any changes that we feel may be necessary as a result. Changes being either, to be more authentic, or more bold, or if the responses follow the same pattern and it is destructive, to look at that area of our lives for deeper clarity.
So... any takers? Is there anyone who would be interested in filling out one of these surveys for me? I will send it to you and if you want to be anonymous, we will figure out some way for me to get the answers without knowing it is you.
I just realized that I am giving everyone I know free license to pick me apart!!! Ack! lol... I am sure that I can handle it...
Thank you!!! I hope I have at least a few of you who will help me out... Now I just have to go talk to the people who are in my "real" life. :o)

Why God gave mothers a sense of humor

My dear friends ask me when they see me how I am doing. I told them this morning that I know why we have senses of humor. I will now share with you why I know this....
Events of this past week:
~ I thought that my boys were better and were ready to go back to school. Then I felt like I was hit by a mack truck and had to leave my first class and come home on Monday - I slept for most of the day. When my boys came home, they said, "Oh mommy, you sweeping? (sleeping) why you doing that for?" As if Mom's are not allowed to sleep.
~ My youngest started medication last week for his aggression and behavior problems. I realized that I must give this answer to him whenever he asks me why he has to take medicine, although I think he got it backwards. I gave him his medicine one morning before school and he said, "mmm Mommy, that makes you feel better!" Yep, the truth comes out, you are medicated so mommy can feel better (guilt, guilt, guilt!)
~ Wednesday they were still sick, whining and not sleeping, green slime everywhere - I am sure you get the picture... so we stayed home yet again. Two hours of bugging me to watch TV, I surrendered and we watched WonderPets. If you have not seen it, please do. They rescue animals and in this one particular episode, they helped a puppy who had to go pee pee. The wonderpets said that puppies had to go potty outside, and my oldest said, "I a puppy" and wanted to run to the playground to pee. There was a nice conversation that followed about how big boys use the potty even when they are pretending to be puppies. "What's gonna work? Teamwork!"
~ Thursday - Oh joy of joys. I got a phone call from the teacher. My kindergartner was in trouble. Throwing rocks at Coach, not listening, crashing through construction tape on a damaged bridge, and to top it all off, kicking the assistant principal in the shin. Then when asked about it, he lied to the teacher and to me.On one hand, I never thought I would have to deal with this. Children who are delayed as much as my child was supposed to have been, never get to all of the developmental milestones like rebellion, lying, etc. On the other hand, this is MY child. The one who says please and thank you. The fruit of my loins who is attacking other adults! I asked him where he got the rocks and what he did with them after he was put in time out, and the little fart reached into his pocket and handed them to me. "Here mommy, I fwo them high, like this! Coach had a bad hurt. I tell him sowwy."
So, my little "angel" who was not supposed to learn to write, and now can... had the pleasure of copying my notes that said "Coach, I am sorry. Joshua" He did one for his teacher and the assistant principal as well.
~ Friday I prayed and decided that the boys really needed some quality down time with Mommy. (What was I thinking?) So I planned on taking them to Super Target (Their FAVORITE place on the planet!!) have lunch and then go to their therapy in the afternoon. They had breakfast, I put on a dvd for them (don't judge unless you want to come babysit every day while I shower) and got into the shower. When I got out, they were in the kitchen and the fridge was open. All of my farm fresh eggs, that cost $2 a dozen because they have no garbage in them, are in the blender in the sink with water pouring out of it. All cracked and useless. My brighteyed angels look up at me and say :"Mommy, we're tookin! (cooking) I making scwambled eggs... yummy! Its dewicious. You want some mommy?" Again, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So I thanked them for their efforts and shooed them out of the kitchen. I also made a mental note, "Make sure fridge is locked and kitchen gate is shut when getting into the shower."
I swear I am living in fort knox.
~ Saturday - There has been a lice epidemic in my sons' school. Josh came home with it once and I have treated him and he was fine. Then he got it a second time. Those of you with children know that it is a royal pain, but you do what you gotta do. So I have become obsessed with making sure there are no nits or bugs in either of their hair. I check them all of the time when I put them in their carseats as they are trapped (ha ha) and in natural light. Again, I did not realize how much of an impact I made upon them because while in the shopping cart at the grocery store, Christopher reached over to Josh's head and started playing with his hair. Josh asked him what he was doing, and Topher answered "I am finding your bugs!"

Go ahead, laugh... that is all I can do too..... it is a survival skill.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.

It began with a whisper

There are some thoughts running around my heart this afternoon that I just need to get out in order to possibly gain some perspective. I do not know if they will mean anything to you, but I believe that collectively, they are all pieces of a much larger picture that the Lord is creating in my life. So here we go:
~ I have been praying for a friend of mine for a while now. I believe there is a connection there between us, and others have seen it as well, but I am being told repeatedly to just "Trust Me and Don't Run." If I could show you the number of times this has been an answer to prayer, you would laugh. It is much easier to push the person away and prove that I am not deserving of a relationship than to put myself out there and trust You that I won't be trampled on again. Just this morning I was told... "Just be yourself and love everyone around you like you always have. Don't run when it comes... Trust ME."
~ Control - I crave it - ugh. If I have control over the situation, then I know what is going to happen. I am being asked to give that up. On a moment to moment basis. Scary? Um, YEAH! But then I sit back and think - it hasn't worked for me this far, so why not give it up to the creator of the universe and try things His way for a while? Yes, that sounds better. (I think that this should apply to the previous answer - Cherise, take a note!!
~ Separation - I am being purged of things in my heart and flesh in a way like I have never been touched before. I will come to service or a prayer meeting, or even just sitting in my car listening to music and all of a sudden, I am in a heap on the floor in tears... just sobbing. And I hear God whisper.. am I enough? Tell me, am I enough? It is in those moments that I know true separation is just beginning for me. All of what I thought I had done before was a stepping stone.
~ A calling like no other - I have always known, from a very young age, that I was called. At first I thought it was to have a school and to teach, then I believed I was going to work with special needs children, now I am not exactly what it all entails, but the Lord has had me change my major to social work and I will be working on my masters in order to counsel people. I also feel a rising inside of me to share the Word. I do not know what it is, but I know the Lord is up to something.
~ Waiting on You - Again, I thought I knew how to do this. But really I was fooling myself by telling myself I was waiting on you when I was really just trying to make things happen on my own - on the side. Kind of "well, if I need to wait, I might as well be doing something."
~ Finding out that I am loved.... deeply and completely for who I am and not what I do or what I bring to the table. This is a huge one and I am still wrapping my brain and heart around it.

Like I said, these are just some random things in my heart... that is what happens when God whispers your name.

Another song that speaks TO and FOR my heart

by Chris Rice

Was I the only one to notice
That human nature doesn't work that way
They tell me if I look deep inside me
That I can find my own way

I only find a rebel and a fool there
Who won't admit that he's afraid
I thought I was holdin' on to freedom
But locked my soul up in chains

I need a hero
Who'll dare to find me
Fly to my rescue
And crash through the wall
Announce my freedom
Bring me to my senses
Gather me into his strong arms
And carry me off. . . to safety

What is this talk about a Savior
Well does he listen, is he even there?
And should I be asking him directly?
But why should he consider my prayer?

Well, I don't quite know how to do this
But Jesus, I can't save myself
So here I go calling out for mercy
And crying out for your help
(So if you hear me. . .)

I need a hero
Please dare to find me
Fly to my rescue
And crash through the wall
Announce my freedom
Bring me to my senses
Gather me into your strong arms
And carry me off

I double dog dare you!!

Ok.. we have all played truth or dare. Or we have all been dared to do something. It goes something like this:
I dare you! - No!
I double dare you! - No!
Ok, then.. I double dog dare you! - Ok.. it is ON NOW!!

Somehow adding the "dog' moves us to action. So that is what I am doing to you...
I want to double dog dare you to make a small difference today in someone's life. We have all heard the saying "what goes around comes around" or "you reap what you sow." So, my question to you is: what have you been reaping or what has been coming around to you? If you want good things, you have to make good things happen.

Here is the scoop: Share a little bright spot of yourself with someone today. Smile at a stranger, wink at a child, hold the door open for the person behind you, let that person who has less items to pay for go ahead of you in line, pay for the next car's toll, buy someone a cup of coffee and say "Happy Friday!", if you had good service at a restaurant, don't just leave a tip, ask for the manager and tell them - they hear far too much of the negative!! or just simply take a few extra moments and look someone in the eye and tell them "Thank you!" You will see people everywhere today. At the gas station, the grocery store, school, work, the bank (if they are open today), the mall, the movies, restaurants, etc. Most people just go about their business, or worse, do not even acknowledge that they are in contact with another living, breathing human being.

C'mon, you know there are other ideas you can come up with! You will be amazed at their reaction and how blessed you will be because of it. Then share with me what you did! I need some new ideas!

So.. let's go... I double dog dare you!!! Bring it on!!!

Wouldn't it be nice.....

First of all I want to start out by saying that Yes, the Lord is more than enough for me. However, I am still human. I still have bad days. And when those days, like today, come... these are the thoughts that run through my head.

Wouldn't it be nice...
~To have a soft place to land?
~To be able to lay on the couch next to that one person who can look at me and understand where I am?
~To not have to explain why I am happy and devastated that my 5 year old kicked the assistant principle in the shin today and then lied about it to his teacher and to me?
~To have someone to just offer me a hand when I am carrying all that I possibly can and still cannot get it all?
~To not feel guilty when I have my moments of weakness?
~To be able to sit with the man that I love, massage his neck and rub his temples... and tell him that we are going to be ok?

I guess I just want to be held and loved tonight.. I get tired of the super woman cape from time to time. I do not wear it as much as I used to, thankfully. But it is days like today that I truly see my situation for what it is. It is me and my precious boys and God. What a team, I know. And I believe that He is enough. I know He is... but am I????

Why do I do this??

There is a line from Pretty Woman that resonates with me. It goes something like this... "if you hear the bad about yourself long enough, you start to believe it." I have been fighting against words spoken over and to me for a LONG time. And I have come a LONG way, baby!

I have had the pleasure of hoping for all of the wonderful things that I have in my life, and seeing them come to pass. Hope was all I had and I clung to it. Life had to be better than what I was living with, so it was easy to hope against all odds. I don't know if I really ever believed it would be better. But God is good, and things are going really well. I am NOT the same person that I was when I started this journey. Thank you, Jesus!!!

So I have been in this season of hope for quite a while. About 8 or 9 years actually. And it was getting easier because I was seeing things change in my life and I had physical proof that the Lord was answering my prayers and moving on my behalf.

So why is it that when He told me that I am moving from a season of hope into a season of trust and expectation, that I am freaking out? You would think that I would be excited. And I am, in part. Everything that has been stored up for me is getting ready to be released. All that I have been hoping and dreaming of is literally around the corner. Blessings are about to burst forth, relationships, connections, directions to take.. all of it is so near. Yet I am scared out of my mind! I have prayed for one particular situation for SO long that the prospect of it actually happening causes me to hyperventilate. It is so much easier to stay in the season of hope. I know how to do that! And then I do not have the responsibility of following through on what I have been asking for and so deperately want. I know it is coming... I have had numerous confirmations. I have even been called out on the carpet by a few of my dearest friends to open my eyes to what lies ahead of me. When I pray for clarity and for the door to close if it is not from the Lord... His answer is "Trust me and Don't Run! Be obedient in all things, even those things that do not seem to make sense to you at the time. Just take my outstretched hand and I will guide you."
Do I want to do that? Of course! That is the desire of my heart! And that is easier said than done!

Then He gave me this definition of T.R.U.S.T.:
Thankfully
Responding with the
Understanding that My
Savior is already
There
How can I run away from the One who loves me so and wants what is best for me at all times? If He is already there, then I know that my heart will be safe. It is not people that I am to trust in, I am to trust Jesus with people. So why do I still at times doubt all that You have done for me? And what about all of your promises? Why do I still believe that these wonderful gifts that I have prayed for for so long cannot come to me and will not be real in my life? Because I am human.

Decision Time: It all comes down to a choice. And I have made mine. At least for today... So I am holding on and have locked my ankles in place so I do not run. Do I want to? Yes.. and very much no! Am I making any bit of sense to you? Probably not. lol I am just at the beginning of something new and wildly wonderful. And I cannot wait to see what happens next!!

My abandoned heart

~For the majority of my life, I have felt abandoned. Totally isolated and completely alone. No protection, guidance, or covering. Growing up in a home full of anger, hostility, and abuse will do that to you. The devil has had a plan to stop me since the moment I was conceived. I have to tell you, he had a really good thing going for a while. What he set into motion, I willingly picked up and tookover. Thoughts of negativity, blame, insecurity, guilt, anger, bitterness, resentment... the list can go on and on.
~But you know something? My Father never leaves or forsakes (abandons) me. He has always been there and will always be. I find it strange that I am actually saying these things... it was just a few short years ago that I called out to Him in a moment of desperation and said: "Lord, you need to show up and help me, or I am coming home to you!" Bold? definitely. But I was scared and hopeless and I needed a way out. I needed Him.
~Interestingly enough... do you want to know what His answer to me was? Abandonment. Huh?! How can the very thing that I was living and dealing with... that has caused me so much pain and heartbreak, actually be the answer to this heartwrenching prayer?
Simple.
Here is the definition of abandon: to give up to the control or influence of another person or agent; to give up with the intent of never again claiming a right or interest in; to withdraw from often in the face of danger or encroachment; to withdraw protection, support, or help from; to give (oneself) over unrestrainedly; to cease from maintaining, practicing, or using; to cease intending or attempting to perform
I find it interesting that in all of the ways it is defined, only one part of the meaning is a negative connotation. *When you look at it through the eyes of our Father* What did He request of me that day? To abandon my heart. To Him, through Him, for Him, because of Him. And in doing so, I was also abandoning my past, the hurt, the pain, the abuse, the things spoken over me that did not line up with what my Heavenly Father has said about me.
~Please do not misunderstand me. I have in NO way "arrived." This whole abandoning thing is an every day choice. Realistically, it is more like a moment by moment or decision by decision choice. But every time I abandon my fears, my excuses and fall into the arms that love and sustain me, I fall more in love with the creator of my abandoned heart.

Bejeweled

I was going to title this "Bedazzled", but I thought of that cheap rhinestone/stud machine that can you order from television and thought "um, no I don't think so!" ... so bejeweled it is.
I have had numerous comments on the latest addition to my person, so I figured I would share my reasoning behind it.
Two weeks ago today, for my 32nd birthday, I got my nose pierced. (By the way, I am aging like a fine wine! I just keep getting better!!) Can you believe it? Me! My mom thinks that I have hit a mid-life crisis much too early in my life... but it has been something that I have actually been praying about for nearly 6 months.
So let me share with you how I got to the place of actually becoming "bejeweled."
As many of you know, I have been overweight my entire life. In January, I underwent gastric bypass surgery. That was an ENORMOUS decision for me and it was probably one of the best things that I have ever done. I felt the Lord leading me every step of the way. It was time to let go of the mask and covering that I had been carrying as a form of protection. It is amazing to think that in an attempt to become invisible, you actually keep piling on the layers! I was dying inside (emotionally) and wanted so desperately to be seen and to be found. Thankfully, that is exactly what happened! As I got to the end of myself, I found the Lord waiting there patiently with a huge smile on His face! Jesus was in there the entire time with me.. and now He was there, taking my hand and walking me out of the darkness I had so willingly placed myself in.
Since the surgery, I have lost about 104 pounds (depending on the time of day and the direction the wind is blowing lol). I am smaller now that I was when I started high school. Physically, I feel amazing! I can run and play and jump with my boys and I have more energy than I know what to do with. I am even beginning to start to think that I am kinda cute! (wowzers penny!)
The further I walk away from my old self, the further I walk towards who I originally was meant to be. I love the expression, "Who I am meant to be, I am now becoming." That is smack dab where I am! Emotionally ~ now that is another story. I was not prepared for the roller coaster of emotions I would face on this journey. Yes, the loss of food as a comfort and eating in general... we all go through that. But it is something much more complicated than that. As the weight melted away, I was what was left. The real me. The person I believed was not good enough and never would be. I was full of shame and regret, insecure and self conscious. I was running so fast and doing all of these things all of the time to prove to myself and everyone around me that I was enough and I was worthy of love and acceptance.
Then it happened! I had an encounter with my Lord. "Be still and know that I am God!" I was asked, by Him, to lay down most of what I was doing and trying to find my fulfillment in, and was dared to find what I truly needed in Him alone. What?!? I don't have to "do", I just have to "be"? What does that mean? Yet the answer still came, "BE still and KNOW that I am God." Do you have any idea how difficult that was for me? Stepping down and backing out of my commitments was difficult, but something I had to do in order to be obedient. I was learning who I was in Christ, not who I was in Cherise.
I threw myself into the Word and I began to notice a theme. When Isaac's servant found Rebekah, he layed precious jewels upon her and pierced her nose as a sign that she was his. In Ezekiel, when the prince found the baby in the field, he took her and raised her in his palace. When she was of age, he showered her with his love and she returned her love in return. She was to become his wife and he pierced her nose to show that she was his. She was set apart and became beautiful in order to be his bride. An outward sign of an eternal covenant of love.
I began to ponder these stories and the Lord asked me if I was truly His. My answer was of course, yes! His response ~ "You are called and set apart, you are on your way to a new direction and a new level of covenant with Me. You are not your own, you are bought with a price. I have set you free.... free to be who I created you to be and to do what I have called you to do on the earth. Walk in that. Claim your position as my chosen daughter. Let others know that you are marked for me and that everywhere you go, you carry my blessing, favor and portion. Even without the makeup, there is My beauty on you." How on earth can I argue with that?!
There is more to it than I can even put into words.. and some of it is so personal that I cannot share it at this time. But here is what I did not expect to learn... that beauty, true beauty, costs us something and is painful.
It hurt to get my nose pierced. I bled. I gave up not being able to just wash my face and go. I gave up avoiding the questions and comments. Being marked and set apart (this is just a physical expression of an inward change) can cause pain. But ohhhh.. the rewards are so worth it! When I look at myself in the mirror, or the jewel catches my eye, it is a reminder to me that I am a princess! I am the daughter of the King! Regardless of my bed head and pajamas, or if I am dressed to go out... it is my heart that matters.
It is not Who I am... it is Whose I am. And that, my friends, has changed my life forever!!!!

One of my favorite songs...

The Michael Buble' version....

You give your hand to me, and then you say hello
And I can hardly speak, my heart is beating so
And anyone can tell, you think you know me well
But you don't know me
You don't know the one who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips and longs hold you tight
No, I'm just a friend, that's all I've ever been
Cause you don't know me

For I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me, too

You give your hand to me, and then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away, beside the lucky guy
Oh you'll never know the boy that loves you so
Cause you don't know me

For I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go bye
A chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me, and then you say goodbye
And I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh babe, you will never know the one who loves you so
You don't know me
You'll never know the one who loves you so
Well, you don't know me

What I want to be when I grow up

~Captivating: to influence and dominate by some special charm, art, or trait and with an irresistible appeal
~Transparent: having the property of transmitting light without appreciable scattering so that bodies lying beyond are seen clearly
~Genuine: sincerely and honestly felt or experienced
~Edifying: to instruct and improve especially in moral and religious knowledge
~A Compass: marked to indicate direction
~Vulnerable: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded - by letting my walls down in trust
~Breathtaking and Life-giving

Me and My gang

One of the things that I LOVE about my week is my Sunday school class. I "teach" (I use this word loosely as I am not sure who learns more, me or them) a group of children with special needs during my church's (www.ccwc.org) third service. These kids sparkle! We never have a dull moment and I always leave exhausted... but I leave knowing that we have laughed and had a good time while their parent(s) have gotten to be spiritually refreshed.
Today we hung out and took some pictures. What a bunch of hams! I realized when I got home that I was not in any of them as I was the one holding the camera the entire time. I will have to rectify that next time. As soon as I find my USB port adapter I will upload the pics from my camera. We are a mixed bunch and there are all of my wonderful volunteers and helpers that make it such a rewarding experience. I need to make mention of my team...
*Patch - the talent and comedian of our group. Thank you for always standing your ground and being so committed to making each one of our kids feel loved and accepted.
*Sally (as in Jack's girlfriend) - you hide under that tough skin, but you have a heart of pure gold. You, my friend, are an eagle and the keeper of the "kool" points.
*Shania - my drama queen - hold your head up high, you have far to go in this life and do not let anyone tell you differently!
*Dancing Queen - I SO admire your talents. Knowing you, as well as your family, has been such a gift in my life. I will be able to say "I knew her when...." Don't ever let anyone quench your fire!
*Elizabeth - (Dancing Queen's mom) - you are my sage. I love your tenacity and insight and your ability to keep me grounded and to give a different perspective. Thank you for holding my hand as I walk out into this new stage of my life (you know what I mean!!)
*Fireman - you are a true hero, in every sense of the word.
*Delio - if and when you ever come back, our game is BACK ON!!

If you are ever in our neck of the woods, you should stop by and meet the most amazing group of kiddos you will ever have the pleasure of knowing!!! Just be forwarned, I do sing in the class, so bring earplugs! :o)

Invisible

Have you ever felt like you were walking around in your everyday life and no one could see you? Not that you weren't there, just that you were invisible? You still accomplish all of the items on your "to do" list and the chores get done, but no one sees you for who you really are. Or worse, that you are even existing today. I have had one of those days. Weeks, or maybe even months recently. I believe I am learning that I am here for a reason even if there are no fanfares and trumpets blaring whenever my eyes open in the morning or when I walk into a room. That I do matter and that I do make a difference, no matter how miniscule it may seem at the moment. But I think that it may be nice if I was noticed somehow for who I truly am, and not who I pretend to be. That scares the crap out of me, but isn't it what we all want? I want to not be invisible to someone... and to be able to see that person too.