My abandoned heart

~For the majority of my life, I have felt abandoned. Totally isolated and completely alone. No protection, guidance, or covering. Growing up in a home full of anger, hostility, and abuse will do that to you. The devil has had a plan to stop me since the moment I was conceived. I have to tell you, he had a really good thing going for a while. What he set into motion, I willingly picked up and tookover. Thoughts of negativity, blame, insecurity, guilt, anger, bitterness, resentment... the list can go on and on.
~But you know something? My Father never leaves or forsakes (abandons) me. He has always been there and will always be. I find it strange that I am actually saying these things... it was just a few short years ago that I called out to Him in a moment of desperation and said: "Lord, you need to show up and help me, or I am coming home to you!" Bold? definitely. But I was scared and hopeless and I needed a way out. I needed Him.
~Interestingly enough... do you want to know what His answer to me was? Abandonment. Huh?! How can the very thing that I was living and dealing with... that has caused me so much pain and heartbreak, actually be the answer to this heartwrenching prayer?
Simple.
Here is the definition of abandon: to give up to the control or influence of another person or agent; to give up with the intent of never again claiming a right or interest in; to withdraw from often in the face of danger or encroachment; to withdraw protection, support, or help from; to give (oneself) over unrestrainedly; to cease from maintaining, practicing, or using; to cease intending or attempting to perform
I find it interesting that in all of the ways it is defined, only one part of the meaning is a negative connotation. *When you look at it through the eyes of our Father* What did He request of me that day? To abandon my heart. To Him, through Him, for Him, because of Him. And in doing so, I was also abandoning my past, the hurt, the pain, the abuse, the things spoken over me that did not line up with what my Heavenly Father has said about me.
~Please do not misunderstand me. I have in NO way "arrived." This whole abandoning thing is an every day choice. Realistically, it is more like a moment by moment or decision by decision choice. But every time I abandon my fears, my excuses and fall into the arms that love and sustain me, I fall more in love with the creator of my abandoned heart.