Why do I do this??

There is a line from Pretty Woman that resonates with me. It goes something like this... "if you hear the bad about yourself long enough, you start to believe it." I have been fighting against words spoken over and to me for a LONG time. And I have come a LONG way, baby!

I have had the pleasure of hoping for all of the wonderful things that I have in my life, and seeing them come to pass. Hope was all I had and I clung to it. Life had to be better than what I was living with, so it was easy to hope against all odds. I don't know if I really ever believed it would be better. But God is good, and things are going really well. I am NOT the same person that I was when I started this journey. Thank you, Jesus!!!

So I have been in this season of hope for quite a while. About 8 or 9 years actually. And it was getting easier because I was seeing things change in my life and I had physical proof that the Lord was answering my prayers and moving on my behalf.

So why is it that when He told me that I am moving from a season of hope into a season of trust and expectation, that I am freaking out? You would think that I would be excited. And I am, in part. Everything that has been stored up for me is getting ready to be released. All that I have been hoping and dreaming of is literally around the corner. Blessings are about to burst forth, relationships, connections, directions to take.. all of it is so near. Yet I am scared out of my mind! I have prayed for one particular situation for SO long that the prospect of it actually happening causes me to hyperventilate. It is so much easier to stay in the season of hope. I know how to do that! And then I do not have the responsibility of following through on what I have been asking for and so deperately want. I know it is coming... I have had numerous confirmations. I have even been called out on the carpet by a few of my dearest friends to open my eyes to what lies ahead of me. When I pray for clarity and for the door to close if it is not from the Lord... His answer is "Trust me and Don't Run! Be obedient in all things, even those things that do not seem to make sense to you at the time. Just take my outstretched hand and I will guide you."
Do I want to do that? Of course! That is the desire of my heart! And that is easier said than done!

Then He gave me this definition of T.R.U.S.T.:
Thankfully
Responding with the
Understanding that My
Savior is already
There
How can I run away from the One who loves me so and wants what is best for me at all times? If He is already there, then I know that my heart will be safe. It is not people that I am to trust in, I am to trust Jesus with people. So why do I still at times doubt all that You have done for me? And what about all of your promises? Why do I still believe that these wonderful gifts that I have prayed for for so long cannot come to me and will not be real in my life? Because I am human.

Decision Time: It all comes down to a choice. And I have made mine. At least for today... So I am holding on and have locked my ankles in place so I do not run. Do I want to? Yes.. and very much no! Am I making any bit of sense to you? Probably not. lol I am just at the beginning of something new and wildly wonderful. And I cannot wait to see what happens next!!