Heart Ramblings

I am not exactly sure what I am doing lately. Have you ever been at a crossroads in your life where you know that you need to make the "right" decision and everything that you have EVER wanted and imagined in your life lays just on the other side of that decision? But you still have the option to choose to stay right where you are and keep doing what you are doing... it is not a bad place to be, just not the best? That is where I am... The difficult part is the deciding. In all actuality the decision has already been made, it is the walking it out part. Walking it out shows that I am not fully in control. It requires me to let go of what appears to be a few good things in my life currently in hopes of the best things ahead. It means going without now (sacrifice) for what is yet to be.
Frankly, I am tired. I am tired of being continually asked to step up and step out. Do not get me wrong... I am honored and blessed beyond measure.. and it is definitely something that I have asked for and yearn for as sure as I take my next breath. But the part that I always seem to underestimate is the pain. The pain of letting go.... even letting go of the things that are harmful to me. You see, it is because I am afraid if I let go of what I seem to have now, that it means I will never have what I so long for in my heart.
I have made wrong choices willingly over the course of the last few weeks. I have allowed myself to delve into dark places that I thought I was safe from. Or to be even more brutally honest, I thought I was better than. It all comes down to pride, doesn't it? In one way, shape, or form.... it is all about selfishness and pride. It is about what I want, what I feel, what I think that I need. Yes, I do have valid needs that have been pushed aside or discarded for quite some time. But that is not what I am talking about. I have been put here for a greater purpose... I have an assignment to carry out and I am being tricked into diverting my attention from that cause to deal with emotional scars from my past. I know that I am rambling.. and I think that I might not be making any sense at all. But this is all from my heart. I need to get it out somehow. There is a fine line between being set apart and falling apart. I am learning how to dance on that delicate line. I have the bruises on my heart to show for it. But it is a dance that I am soooo willing to learn, regardless of the pain. Know why? Because I know that there is more. I know that the obstacles in my life are stepping stones... and the things that I have learned and am learning, I am supposed to share with others. One scraped knee at a time... I am helping to pave the way and shine the light. Please do not let all of this be in vain. Please.....