My Christmas Present

Get some tissues... and if you are interested, get ready to help the boys raise more funds in 2009 to continue to change their lives forever!
I love them just the way they are, but will also continue to beckon them to move forward.
Thank you for your love and support! And by support, I mean primarily: your love, prayers, encouragement, rolled up sleeves, and communication with us.
I wish you all the happiest of holidays! I got my Christmas present early and 5 years late this very week.

My boys and I were at the mall running some errands. I promised them that if we were able to stay a team (we are SOOO about Team Fraser - Our Family Team) and follow directions to stay safe, then they would be able to go and visit Santa Claus before we left.

I wasn't sure how this was going to work out as every attempt at this or to visit the Easter Bunny at the mall has been a disaster. Screaming children - complete with alligator death rolls - me carrying one child under each arm like luggage to get them to safety - other parents shirking and making comments ranging from "they need discipline & manners" to "what is wrong with them and why are they out in public?" - and me bottling up my plethora of emotions and shifting into auto-pilot to get all three of us out of the danger zone and in a safe place emotionally and physically.

Last year we made it through the line to wait for Santa only to have one child cringe in fear and started licking his hands and covering his ears, and the other child running away from the fake snow, "jolly man", and the camera - screaming at the top of his lungs. Apparently he got some of the fake snow-fluff on his hands and it caused the meltdown. It was then that I, once again, put the idea of my boys actually going to sit on Santa's lap and whisper the secret wishes of their hearts into his ears, back on my shelf of "Things that Typical Parents get to Experience and Tend to Take for Granted."

Back to this week. The boys have really flourished and have come out of their shells. One more than the other, but still - gifts abound in my heart and life when it comes to things my children were "never supposed to do."
We finished all of our list of things to do and as promised, we headed over to see Santa. There was a family in front of us and we talked about what they were going to tell Jolly Old Saint Nick. We also talked about how we celebrate Christmas because it is Jesus' birthday and Santa loves Jesus so much that he gives presents out to all the children in order to share His love.

The other family moves on, and I take a deep breath. My 7 year old is apprehensive but walks bravely over to Mr. Claus. My 5 year old "butterfly" flitters right over and plops right next to Kris Kringle on his bench. With his brother safely in view, my oldest sits on the other side of the bench. I watched and listened as my babies (Yes, I am crying again as I am typing this) each told Santa what they were wishing for, the toys they were going to leave under the tree for him to take to other kids, and the letters and maps they created diligently over the last few weeks. There was no screaming. There was no tantrum. My boys - my "non-verbal, severely autistic, and mentally retarded" children who should be institutionalized - were doing what the line of children before them and the many children behind them do every year. After the angel who was playing Santa Claus gave them their candy canes, he looked up at me and asked me why I was crying. I told him that He gave me the best gift I could ever have asked for this year. We did something - they did something - they were NEVER supposed to or able to do. I have decided that this is a trait my boys get from me: loving proving THEM wrong!

It may seem simple and it may not mean the same to any other person on the planet as much as it means and meant to me - but my cup runneth over.

I took my mom to the same mall the next day for one of her errands and I passed by my Angel Claus. He looked at me, smiled, winked, and tipped his hat at me. He mouthed the words "Thank you for letting me do what I live for."

My family - my friends - all of my loved ones... these are the precious reasons I will keep on keeping on.

Merry Christmas - Happy Birthday Jesus - You are the Gift that keeps on Giving and I am eternally grateful.

I am tired

Who do you turn to when you are the one that people come to?
Whose shoulder do you cry on when you are at your limit?

How do you admit that you need help when you are the one who has helped so many others?

I have been running around for so long trying to be everyone's role model that I have forgotten that the way to become a role model is to come through things successfully and with the least amount of bruising and scarring as possible.

For the last 6 months or so, I have felt as though I am failing everyone in my life. Every relationship, responsibility, every reason that I get up in the morning, in some way, shape, or form, I was failing at it.
Being a mom, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a best friend, a teacher, a student, a mentor, a sheep, a pastor, or even just me. All I could see was my lack and my failure. I still see that and feel it most days.

So, I wanna know. Have you been in this place? What have you done when you got here? How long did it take to get you out?

I told one of my best friends just last week: "I feel like I am drowning." He told me to hold on, he was right there in the water with me and land was not far off. I love him for that.

Mom is sick. I am sick. My youngest is regressing. The ex has tons of issues that are effecting our life as well. Money is tight (we are all feeling that aren't we?). I am the only grown up in my immediate world. I don't know how to ask for help.

Things have changed in one aspect recently. Regardless as to how it happened, it needed to happened, for all involved. I am sorry for the way it came about and for EVERYONE's heartbreak, especially my own.

So here is the breakdown:
I am tired.
OF:
-being second-guessed
-being criticized for my choices when I have made successful ones most of the time
-being tired
-feeling like crap every single day
-not having enough energy to complete my To-do lists
-not having enough energy to make a To-do list
-not finding a pen and a pad of paper to even begin a To-do list
-beating myself up for other peoples choices and beliefs
-not seeing myself as worthy of the love I want, need, and deserve
-being on the back burner
-fighting with my siblings & always seeing them with those things I would love to have but do not
-breathlessly waiting for someone to rescue me
-not knowing what to do
-feeling like a failure
-having men treat me like dirt and walk all over me
-bullies
-know-it-all's who know nothing
-feeling guilty for REALLY WANTING A PEDICURE and a cup of Starbucks coffee
-being a basket case (but I am just like Moses, right?)
-not having enough time/energy to spend with the people I love and miss the most
-not being able to let "him" go when I knew that the last X months of the relationship weren't healthy
-beating myself up for missing him
-beating myself up for staying as long as I did & putting up with it all
-being tired....

Yes.. that is mostly it. I am tired of being so darn tired.

I need a vacation and I need a reprieve. I need a trust fund.
I need a hug.
Oh forget all of that...

I NEED A NAP!

Ask me about my tears and my garden some time...

It has been far too long, and far too much has happened to even begin to try to start to catch you up. There has been heartbreak, restoration, regression, tension, loss of family as well as friends, moving out, moving in, moving on, illusions shattered, lies told and heard, role reversals, sickness in and around me, loss of trust, and on and on and on. I can honestly say that for the last 6 months at the very least, there has not been a day that has gone by that I have not cried. For numerous reasons at various times.

I am so overwhelmed and yet it has been deemed ok for some people who claim to love me and only want what is best for me to just continue to walk all over me and discard my emotions and shower me with disrespect - either in the guise of humor or just blatant disrespect and disregard.


However, I have one thing that I do not think I will ever loose. I have "Bounce." It takes me a while sometimes, but it always shows up when the time is right and I am finally ready to let go and learn to abandon myself to my First Love - my One and Only Love.

I stumbled upon this song today and I have found an anthem of sorts in its haunting refrains and fresh and quiet affirmations. For those of you who have received an email from me, you know my signature is: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says, "I will try again tomorrow." by Mary Anne Radmacher. This song has the same voice - the same message - my message for now. Just for now. I know I will fly again. For it is not in one's nature to have flown once and not be able to fly again, and eventually learn to soar. (Please, you MUST see A Snoodle's Tale by the Veggie Tales - it has changed my life)

I am just resting my wings. Being still and knowing. Please do not give up on me yet.


For those who I have hurt and wounded, I apologize. Please forgive me.

And for those who have hurt and wounded me, I forgive you.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umjRT6m4eec&feature=related



Lyrics: What I Can Not Change - Leann Rimes

I know what makes me comfortable

I know what makes me tick

And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick

Cream and sugar in my coffee

Right away when I awake

I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes

Oh the rest is out of my hands


I will learn to let go what I cannot change

I will learn to forgive what I cannot change

I will learn to love what I cannot change

But I will change, I will change

Whatever I, whatever I can

I don't know my father
or my mother well enough

It seems like every time we talk we cant get past the little stuff

The pain is self-inflicting, I know it's not good for my health

But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself

Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change

I will learn to forgive what I cannot change

I will learn to love what I cannot change

But I will change, I will change

Whatever I, whatever I can


Right now I can't hear about how everyone else feels

I have enough hurt of my own to heal


I will learn to let go what I cannot change

I will learn to forgive what I cannot change

I will learn to let go what I cannot change

I will learn to forgive what I cannot change

I will learn to love what I cannot change

But I will change, I will change

Whatever I, whatever I can

MEN!!!

Yes... men!
But this is not one of those posts. You know what I mean, a male-bashing free-for-all.
That is not at all what I am writing about.

I have a wretched history with men. Or is it they have one with me?
For those of you who do not know, or may not be aware, I have lived through a childhood of abandon, abuse, anger, and neglect. There have been three men in particular who carved and created deep wounds in my heart and soul. In response to those individuals, I began to shut down. I was carefully and craftily building a wall around my heart. It was for protection. It was for perseverance. It was to prove to the world that "they" were right... I was worthless and deserved to be alone and miserable and eventually die. I had picked up where they left off and was segregating myself from myself and the world. After all, three men in a row all felt the same way about me. They must be right... and I must be wrong. I was to be used, abused, and thrown away. Who would find any good in that? I would never amount to anything. I believed it, and began to chart my course into nothingness.

But something changed. I know it was my heart. But to tell you the moment it happened or how it did, I cannot pinpoint that day and time for you. Somehow over a period of time, something inside of me changed. Bricks for a new foundation were being formed and starting to be lain on the floor of my heart. The old perception of men, while still in my mind, was being shifted from view and then challenged. This came to me in prayer one day: "There are a handful of men who have hurt you... but there are millions who have not."

What?!? That statement rattled me to my core. But God... you know my pain. But God... the hurt is too great. But God... your know my haunting nightmares and many nights of no sleep.
What do I do now? "Love them. Open your heart. Dare to let me prove you wrong. Trust me with the men in your life."

Yea.. I'll get RIGHT on that one.

It took me 2 1/2 years to garner up the strength for my next step. I was lonely, discouraged, broken-hearted.. and felt a little daring. New year's eve 2006: Instead of making my list of resolutions for the next year. I opened my Bible and prayed a prayer similar to the following:
"Lord.. you say in your Word that you are a not man that can lie, and you say that you uphold your Word above anything else. You have declared in Joel that you will restore the years that the locusts have eaten. You say in Isaiah that we who are the broken-hearted will receive a double portion. That is what I want. I want you to redeem men to me Lord. I don't care how or even who. But I know they were created in Your image, so there has to be good in them. I am choosing to not allow a handful of men to destroy me. Give me new eyes to see them. Let me embrace them when they cross my path. Let me not shrink back from Your work. I am boldly coming to you, as you ask us to. Redeem and restore Lord. I need this... please."

Big things happen when you pray God's Word and when you ask Him to show you His love.
2007 was an eye opening year for me. God answered my prayer bigger than I could have ever imagined. I have more men in my life now that love and support me than I could have ever dreamed. If you are going to dare God to show up, be prepared for the answers to come.
Here are my gifts of redemption.. my wonderful men. Each of them has a piece of my heart that is his alone. Each one has been pivotal in healing either a section or or several in my demolished heart. God used these men in a mighty way. I want them to know that they have helped to change my life. Save my life.

First and foremost, my sons.
Joshua and Christopher. Technically they are not men yet. But they are male. Full of potential. It is my job to teach them and equip them with the tools they need to love and protect the women in their lives. It is what men are designed to do. We women have emasculated men for far too long. Yes, we need equality, but not at the price of losing men for what they were created to be. This ends in my home.

CAC: You were the first. Possibly the reason I can even write this post. Your humor and trust shattered my preconceived notions. Our friendship meant the world to me. You helped to save my life. You weren't afraid to call me out on the carpet if I needed it. And you let me do the same for you. I miss you. I love you. I think about you often and pray for you. I have dozens of "C's" in my life, but none compare to you.

Patch: I see the love of the Lord in your eyes. I see you take on your mantle and want to do all you can with the life you have been given. You show up even when it is hard. You have determined to make a difference. I am honored to be a part of helping you make that happen. Thank you.

Mailman: You saw me when I was hiding. You called me beautiful when others couldn't or wouldn't see me. I wanted to be invisible. You wouldn't let me. Something happens in a woman's heart when she knows that a man she respects and admires finds her beautiful and sees the beauty she carries, even when she tries to hide it. Thank you for calling it forth and encouraging me to let it shine.

Lifeway: My earliest memory of you is when you told the story of the boy going to the bathroom with the Beverly Hillbillies' theme song. There is barely a time when I am taking my boys to a public restroom where I don't hear in my heart: "Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed..." :)
I love you. You have become my pastor, shepherd, and friend. Thank you for covering me in prayer and friendship. For shining the light on my path and for helping me to remember that is is God's work we do.. not man's. I feel safe in your authority and covering. That may seem like a small sentence, but it carries majestic implications. Thank you.

Bears: For the best first date of my entire life!
Who knew that we would end up being such tremendous friends? You have shown me that I do deserve to be treated like a gift and treasure. That I am capable of facilitating miracles. You are my cheerleader and understander (like my new word?) of the craziness of life being a single parent of more than one kiddo and the strains on our lives. You are the only one I know who truly understands my situation with my ex and how intricately complicated, yet naturally simple all of this on our plates can be. You constantly remind me to keep myself grounded and focused and to always look at it from another perspective. I have to tell you that I am doing the grading now... you do not get a C or a D+... baby you get and A+!!!
Text messages rule! And Go TONY!! Teavana is ours...
I llama you and am blessed to be in your corner and to have you in mine.

Lego:
Ok.. so it may be a lame name. I sure hope you know who I am talking about. We sure have been through alot, haven't we? I think we are closer now than we were in 1996. You gave me the two best gifts of my life. I still have your card with the simple one word message of "someday." You were right.... (Just that time!!! and NO I am not a control freak).

Fireman:
Boy where do I even begin with this? You have my heart. You are my big brother, my confidante, my shield bearer. I cannot expect anyone to understand our connection and friendship. We know it is straight from Heaven and ordained of our Heavenly Father. There are times that I would not have made it without you. I am blessed and honored to be your best friend as you are mine. The fact that I know without a shadow of doubt that you love me, respect me, want only the best for me, support and encourage me, and that you will NEVER leave me... man those are pillars in my heart that have helped to hold it up. "Thank you" is too small.
I know you know what I mean. I love you.

Can you believe these men I have in my life? Wonderfully and perfectly flawed (just like me!), big hunks of testosterone (Not just like me!! lol). All loving me and helping to heal my heart whether they know it or not. I hope this gives them a glimpse of how I feel and see them.

Go love the men in your life. They need a break. They don't hear enough how amazing we think they are... that we respect them and need them. Strong arms are tender when they catch you from a fall. And nothing replaces a kiss on the nose or forehead from a man of honor that loves and adores you. I am most fortunate. I have more than most. And I do not feel one bit guilty.
I love my MEN!!!!

Reese