Who do you turn to when you are the one that people come to?
Whose shoulder do you cry on when you are at your limit?
How do you admit that you need help when you are the one who has helped so many others?
I have been running around for so long trying to be everyone's role model that I have forgotten that the way to become a role model is to come through things successfully and with the least amount of bruising and scarring as possible.
For the last 6 months or so, I have felt as though I am failing everyone in my life. Every relationship, responsibility, every reason that I get up in the morning, in some way, shape, or form, I was failing at it.
Being a mom, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a best friend, a teacher, a student, a mentor, a sheep, a pastor, or even just me. All I could see was my lack and my failure. I still see that and feel it most days.
So, I wanna know. Have you been in this place? What have you done when you got here? How long did it take to get you out?
I told one of my best friends just last week: "I feel like I am drowning." He told me to hold on, he was right there in the water with me and land was not far off. I love him for that.
Mom is sick. I am sick. My youngest is regressing. The ex has tons of issues that are effecting our life as well. Money is tight (we are all feeling that aren't we?). I am the only grown up in my immediate world. I don't know how to ask for help.
Things have changed in one aspect recently. Regardless as to how it happened, it needed to happened, for all involved. I am sorry for the way it came about and for EVERYONE's heartbreak, especially my own.
So here is the breakdown:
I am tired.
OF:
-being second-guessed
-being criticized for my choices when I have made successful ones most of the time
-being tired
-feeling like crap every single day
-not having enough energy to complete my To-do lists
-not having enough energy to make a To-do list
-not finding a pen and a pad of paper to even begin a To-do list
-beating myself up for other peoples choices and beliefs
-not seeing myself as worthy of the love I want, need, and deserve
-being on the back burner
-fighting with my siblings & always seeing them with those things I would love to have but do not
-breathlessly waiting for someone to rescue me
-not knowing what to do
-feeling like a failure
-having men treat me like dirt and walk all over me
-bullies
-know-it-all's who know nothing
-feeling guilty for REALLY WANTING A PEDICURE and a cup of Starbucks coffee
-being a basket case (but I am just like Moses, right?)
-not having enough time/energy to spend with the people I love and miss the most
-not being able to let "him" go when I knew that the last X months of the relationship weren't healthy
-beating myself up for missing him
-beating myself up for staying as long as I did & putting up with it all
-being tired....
Yes.. that is mostly it. I am tired of being so darn tired.
I need a vacation and I need a reprieve. I need a trust fund.
I need a hug.
Oh forget all of that...
I NEED A NAP!
