A song that has been ministering me while I have been living my life in a state of limbo. But its a good limbo. Things are beginning to change... but you know how it goes: it never happens as quickly as we would like to or the way we want them to. But thank God the tide is finally turning!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rs38lKxmtI4
Lady Antebellum, I Run To You Lyrics
*I did make a few word changes - this is how I sing it - to Jesus since He is the one we are supposed to be running to*
I run from hate
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late
I run my life
Or is it running me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That’s when I run to you
This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you
I run to you baby (Jesus)
And when it all starts coming undone
Baby (Jesus) you’re the only one I run to
I run to you
We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like the sands of time
Slippin’ right on through
And your love’s the only truth
That’s why I run to you
Repeat Chorus X 2
Monday, July 13, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Light, Michael, & Gratitude
It amazes me how God works. No matter how deep the pit or the darkness of the night that you are in, there is ALWAYS a small, illuminous glow somewhere in your life. You may have to be in the darkest, lowest place in your life to actually be able to see it. But it is ALWAYS there. The darker the surroundings, the blacker and bleaker the cavern, the hardest it is to see anything let alone a glimmer of light. A spark of hope. There could be dozens - if you are blessed - of people around you who are holding burning candles and are willing and waiting and wanting to share their flame with you. To help light yours when you have so very many times gave generously some of your own to them. But when it all comes down to it, you have to go to the source. The Giver and Creator of the Light. To make sure that He still has a light to share with you.
Once you have been to that dark place and pass face after face and crowd after crowd of other flame carriers and told them - sometimes without even realizing it - "No, thank you", because you *knew* you needed a fresh touch of the true Light. THAT is when everything starts to make sense. YOU made it through the cavern. YOU pursued the true light. YOU brushed the dirt and mud off of your beaten knees and uncovered your broken heart and dared to venture on again. Daring, hoping, believing that He could never leave you there. The others around you were such a source of encouragement and proof that the true Light *IS* still there and He is STILL there for you. Because you see, it wasn't you pushing you & driving you... it was Him.
Once you see that one true flicker and your heart beats anew, you look around and realize what was happening: He was walking you thru the scariest and darkest part of your life so far to let you know that He is waiting and is with you and the light at the end of the darkest of darkness, is the most beautiful and truest of all light imaginable. I could hear Him say, in the softest and most tender whisper in my ear "See what I have for you... you would never have found this without Me, your desire for Me, and your willingness to dig for more. It is just the beginning. My Darling Daughter, there is so much more. Trust me." There is a verse that says "with the washing of the water of the Word." And "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Enough said.
The most beautiful and yet the scariest words of my life. Yet still again, through it all: I will trust.
My candle is aglow again. I don't know how He orchestrates all of the events throughout the world that line up so perfectly to speak to me in one minute second to let me know that HE is the one in control - contrary to popular belief.
For those of you who don't know, life has been, well let's say rocky in my corner of the world lately. One major player has been this reopening of the wound of the loss of my baby brother. It has been 12 years and 6 months to the day. Throughout a set of circumstances that would blow anyone's mind, MY God has brought another layer of healing to a wound that I thought was barely a scar at this point. As any wound would be, it is still tender to the touch, but this time its different. Almost a release of guilt that I didn't know that I carried. I believe that was part of the giant helpings on my "very full plate." I can breathe a little bit easier through this now. I am finding flickers of the old "Reese" again. For those of you who have been there to offer support, to share your light, and just see me through the night or hold my hand as I was crying - thank you. Those words are so small yet hold so so much.
I came across a song that speaks about Michael's situation. At first, I couldn't listen to it. Now, I find comfort in it. I will share the lyrics and post a link to a version of it on youtube. PLEASE feel free to share your thoughts and opinions. For we never walk alone. And PLEASE do not walk away in the middle of your song. Every song matters, every song counts, every song is worth singing. If you do not think that anyone is or will listen, contact me. I will. Always. I sing off key too
With all my love, and a fresh & new baby light - Reese
Rascal Flatts - "Why"
You must have been in a
Place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through
That stormy cloud
Now here we are
Gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way
You meant to draw a crowd
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking A troubled soul,
God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song
Now in my mind
keep you frozen
As a seventeen-year-old
Rounding third to score the
Winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You'd shine just like the sun
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking A troubled soul,
God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song
Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
Through tangled thoughts
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that
Bad of a place
Oh why, there's no comprehending
And who am I to try to
Judge or explain
Oh, but I do have one
Burning question
Who told you life wasn't
Worth the fight
They were wrong, they lied
Now you're gone and we cry'
Cause it's not like you to
Walk away
In the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcbQlD7UKyY
Once you have been to that dark place and pass face after face and crowd after crowd of other flame carriers and told them - sometimes without even realizing it - "No, thank you", because you *knew* you needed a fresh touch of the true Light. THAT is when everything starts to make sense. YOU made it through the cavern. YOU pursued the true light. YOU brushed the dirt and mud off of your beaten knees and uncovered your broken heart and dared to venture on again. Daring, hoping, believing that He could never leave you there. The others around you were such a source of encouragement and proof that the true Light *IS* still there and He is STILL there for you. Because you see, it wasn't you pushing you & driving you... it was Him.
Once you see that one true flicker and your heart beats anew, you look around and realize what was happening: He was walking you thru the scariest and darkest part of your life so far to let you know that He is waiting and is with you and the light at the end of the darkest of darkness, is the most beautiful and truest of all light imaginable. I could hear Him say, in the softest and most tender whisper in my ear "See what I have for you... you would never have found this without Me, your desire for Me, and your willingness to dig for more. It is just the beginning. My Darling Daughter, there is so much more. Trust me." There is a verse that says "with the washing of the water of the Word." And "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Enough said.
The most beautiful and yet the scariest words of my life. Yet still again, through it all: I will trust.
My candle is aglow again. I don't know how He orchestrates all of the events throughout the world that line up so perfectly to speak to me in one minute second to let me know that HE is the one in control - contrary to popular belief.
For those of you who don't know, life has been, well let's say rocky in my corner of the world lately. One major player has been this reopening of the wound of the loss of my baby brother. It has been 12 years and 6 months to the day. Throughout a set of circumstances that would blow anyone's mind, MY God has brought another layer of healing to a wound that I thought was barely a scar at this point. As any wound would be, it is still tender to the touch, but this time its different. Almost a release of guilt that I didn't know that I carried. I believe that was part of the giant helpings on my "very full plate." I can breathe a little bit easier through this now. I am finding flickers of the old "Reese" again. For those of you who have been there to offer support, to share your light, and just see me through the night or hold my hand as I was crying - thank you. Those words are so small yet hold so so much.
I came across a song that speaks about Michael's situation. At first, I couldn't listen to it. Now, I find comfort in it. I will share the lyrics and post a link to a version of it on youtube. PLEASE feel free to share your thoughts and opinions. For we never walk alone. And PLEASE do not walk away in the middle of your song. Every song matters, every song counts, every song is worth singing. If you do not think that anyone is or will listen, contact me. I will. Always. I sing off key too
With all my love, and a fresh & new baby light - Reese
Rascal Flatts - "Why"
You must have been in a
Place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through
That stormy cloud
Now here we are
Gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way
You meant to draw a crowd
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking A troubled soul,
God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song
Now in my mind
keep you frozen
As a seventeen-year-old
Rounding third to score the
Winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You'd shine just like the sun
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking A troubled soul,
God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song
Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
Through tangled thoughts
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that
Bad of a place
Oh why, there's no comprehending
And who am I to try to
Judge or explain
Oh, but I do have one
Burning question
Who told you life wasn't
Worth the fight
They were wrong, they lied
Now you're gone and we cry'
Cause it's not like you to
Walk away
In the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcbQlD7UKyY
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
My Delicate Situation
First off I want to thank you guys for being willing to support & listen & offer advice. I am not sure how to begin to make sure that all of the factors that are in play in this particular scenario are noted. I guess its best to start at the very beginning. According to the Sound of Music, that's a very good place to start.
My two boys - Joshua (8) and Christopher (5) - both have autism. Topher also has ADHD and Josh has some OCD stuff going on as well. To see my boys today, people have a hard time believing me when I tell them about the boys' issues. Its because of how far they have come. When we first started out on this journey, you couldn't hold Josh or rub his back even though he would be crying and screaming. He was inconsolable. And being a mother and not being able to help your child - well its devastating.
I'll save the long version for the book I am writing, but suffice it to say, my children that "they" said would never talk or be in regular schools or have friends etc, my guys are proving "them" wrong! Both of my "non-verbal & trainable mentally handicapped (think Forrest Gump but a tad bit slower)" boys talk from the moment their eyes open to the time they fall asleep. It is a HUGE blessing because now we can at least figure out and know what is going on with them.
Now, with that said, being able to talk and being able to communicate are two different things. Josh has a TERRIBLE temper and displays self-injurious behavior when he gets mad: bites himself, hits & scratches at his face or ears, rams his head into the wall or floor, etc. Through the team of people that I have working with him, we have gotten him to at least be able to say "I am SO MAD AT YOU!" and then he runs to his room and goes into his bed. That alone is HUGE! For a while he stopped hurting himself, but over the last few months, it is slowly escalating again. So much so that instead of me calling a meeting at his school with everyone on "Team Fraser" ;) - they called me to come talk with them yesterday. It definitely came at the right time since over the weekend, Josh used a new phrase that rocked me to my core. he got so very angry with me over a Lego that he shouted "I'm going to go kill myself!"
Ok - so I did go to school to be a special needs teacher (isn't it interesting how God gives you tools throughout life that you are going to need later on and you aren't even aware of it at the time?). So having gone through all of that training, I am acutely aware that children, especially boys, who are 7-10 years of age, start seeking the abstract concepts of life and reality. They start understanding death, dying, Heaven, and God as well as consequences. So - the teacher in me knows that he probably heard that phraseology in passing or on TV and doesn't truly understand what he is saying.
That being said, there are 2 other factors that are impacting *my* reaction to him. The first, for those of you who don't know, 12 years ago, my youngest brother, Michael, who was 16 at the time, committed suicide. It tore our already dysfunctional family apart. I had the responsibility of raising my brothers and sisters while I was in high school due to my parents' work schedules and dysfunction. So the day that Michael died, I did not only lose a brother, I lost a son as well. I have grieved over him and have dealt with all of the lingering feelings and issues, but as many of you know, death isn't something that you just get over. I miss him. The boys would have LOVED him. So when Josh said that to me, I immediately went to my parents' kitchen on January 9th 1997 when I found out about my baby brother. But this time, it was over *my child - my son.* I tried very hard not to let those feelings get tangled into my parenting skills when faced with the statement Josh made.
And then there is this other situation. Over the last year, Josh (and Topher too) has regressed in some areas. Some of that is normal as when you learn something new, your brain needs to disassemble and make room for the new information and then it comes back again - stronger. I have been hoping and praying that this is the case with both of my boys. But it just doesn't seem to be. I just got a note home about another area that one of them was tested in and scored lower than the last 2 times he was tested. I used to run a support group for parents of children with special needs. Through that group, I met a wonderful woman who has a child on the autism spectrum as well. He is 10 now, but about when he was 7 1/2 or 8 he started persevering and fixating on death and dying. It went from "I'm going to kill myself!" to "I want to die and go to Heaven so I won't have autism anymore!" He began regressing at the same time that this topic came up. Now he is so fragile that he has lost verbal skills and is displaying self-injurious behavior and talks daily about wanting to die. He even has a plan on how he is going to carry it out.
SO - I hope I have shared enough for you guys to get the big picture of where *I* am as Josh's mommy and where I am coming from in my parenting. This is what I did when he shouted those words at me. My heart stopped and I lost my breath first and foremost. My mind and heart were flooded with all of these emotions and thoughts. When that happens, I normally just switch to "auto-pilot" and do what needs to be done to get through the situation and then I can fall apart later. I took him into another room and asked him what he meant when he said that. He told me he was so mad that he just wanted to die. I asked him if he knew what that meant, and we talked about Heaven and about being mad and being sad. All of this was done just he and I and on & in terms that he understands & comprehends. I explained to him that when you die, you can't come back. And tried to show him that not being able to come back and be with us because he was so mad about a Lego was too extreme. Honestly at this point I don't remember my exact wording - this happened last Friday. But I did bring up Michael. He has seen pictures of him in the house and photo albums. He knows that he has another uncle that is in heaven, etc. I shared with Josh that Uncle Michael got soo soo sad and soo soo mad that he decided he didn't want to be here either. He didn't ask for help or tell anyone how he was feeling. And now, because he made a bad choice, we don't and won't get to see him until we are in Heaven too. I then grabbed him into my arms and cradled him and cried as I told him - as I do every day - how much he is loved and wanted and needed and special and how long I prayed to be a mommy even though ALL my doctors said it was impossible, and how I got to be the most blessed mommy in the world because I got Joshua and Christopher. I told him that I would always be there, and so would the important people in his life. he can talk to any of us and it will all be ok. I did use and approach this entire conversation on his terms and his vocabulary and understanding. I had him repeat the important parts to me and explain what I said and he seemed to be truly getting it.
So this is where we are: he has said this phrase several more times and I don't think he truly understands - that it is just a trigger for attention. BUT knowing my family and Josh's dad's family and the myriad of mental "issues" going on - there are huge red flags going up inside me. And then watching my friend watching her son regress to the point that at 10 he has a suicide action plan, I am a wreck. I have been praying and trying to figure this all out. I have a peace about what i shared with him. But you know how it is, you second guess yourself when you are a parent.
That is where you guys come in! If you are still reading this novella! What would you have done differently? Feel free to share constructive criticism. I am just looking for more tools to have in my arsenal. Thank you all again. For listening and for being there for me. I am looking forward to hearing from you all. Love, Cherise
My two boys - Joshua (8) and Christopher (5) - both have autism. Topher also has ADHD and Josh has some OCD stuff going on as well. To see my boys today, people have a hard time believing me when I tell them about the boys' issues. Its because of how far they have come. When we first started out on this journey, you couldn't hold Josh or rub his back even though he would be crying and screaming. He was inconsolable. And being a mother and not being able to help your child - well its devastating.
I'll save the long version for the book I am writing, but suffice it to say, my children that "they" said would never talk or be in regular schools or have friends etc, my guys are proving "them" wrong! Both of my "non-verbal & trainable mentally handicapped (think Forrest Gump but a tad bit slower)" boys talk from the moment their eyes open to the time they fall asleep. It is a HUGE blessing because now we can at least figure out and know what is going on with them.
Now, with that said, being able to talk and being able to communicate are two different things. Josh has a TERRIBLE temper and displays self-injurious behavior when he gets mad: bites himself, hits & scratches at his face or ears, rams his head into the wall or floor, etc. Through the team of people that I have working with him, we have gotten him to at least be able to say "I am SO MAD AT YOU!" and then he runs to his room and goes into his bed. That alone is HUGE! For a while he stopped hurting himself, but over the last few months, it is slowly escalating again. So much so that instead of me calling a meeting at his school with everyone on "Team Fraser" ;) - they called me to come talk with them yesterday. It definitely came at the right time since over the weekend, Josh used a new phrase that rocked me to my core. he got so very angry with me over a Lego that he shouted "I'm going to go kill myself!"
Ok - so I did go to school to be a special needs teacher (isn't it interesting how God gives you tools throughout life that you are going to need later on and you aren't even aware of it at the time?). So having gone through all of that training, I am acutely aware that children, especially boys, who are 7-10 years of age, start seeking the abstract concepts of life and reality. They start understanding death, dying, Heaven, and God as well as consequences. So - the teacher in me knows that he probably heard that phraseology in passing or on TV and doesn't truly understand what he is saying.
That being said, there are 2 other factors that are impacting *my* reaction to him. The first, for those of you who don't know, 12 years ago, my youngest brother, Michael, who was 16 at the time, committed suicide. It tore our already dysfunctional family apart. I had the responsibility of raising my brothers and sisters while I was in high school due to my parents' work schedules and dysfunction. So the day that Michael died, I did not only lose a brother, I lost a son as well. I have grieved over him and have dealt with all of the lingering feelings and issues, but as many of you know, death isn't something that you just get over. I miss him. The boys would have LOVED him. So when Josh said that to me, I immediately went to my parents' kitchen on January 9th 1997 when I found out about my baby brother. But this time, it was over *my child - my son.* I tried very hard not to let those feelings get tangled into my parenting skills when faced with the statement Josh made.
And then there is this other situation. Over the last year, Josh (and Topher too) has regressed in some areas. Some of that is normal as when you learn something new, your brain needs to disassemble and make room for the new information and then it comes back again - stronger. I have been hoping and praying that this is the case with both of my boys. But it just doesn't seem to be. I just got a note home about another area that one of them was tested in and scored lower than the last 2 times he was tested. I used to run a support group for parents of children with special needs. Through that group, I met a wonderful woman who has a child on the autism spectrum as well. He is 10 now, but about when he was 7 1/2 or 8 he started persevering and fixating on death and dying. It went from "I'm going to kill myself!" to "I want to die and go to Heaven so I won't have autism anymore!" He began regressing at the same time that this topic came up. Now he is so fragile that he has lost verbal skills and is displaying self-injurious behavior and talks daily about wanting to die. He even has a plan on how he is going to carry it out.
SO - I hope I have shared enough for you guys to get the big picture of where *I* am as Josh's mommy and where I am coming from in my parenting. This is what I did when he shouted those words at me. My heart stopped and I lost my breath first and foremost. My mind and heart were flooded with all of these emotions and thoughts. When that happens, I normally just switch to "auto-pilot" and do what needs to be done to get through the situation and then I can fall apart later. I took him into another room and asked him what he meant when he said that. He told me he was so mad that he just wanted to die. I asked him if he knew what that meant, and we talked about Heaven and about being mad and being sad. All of this was done just he and I and on & in terms that he understands & comprehends. I explained to him that when you die, you can't come back. And tried to show him that not being able to come back and be with us because he was so mad about a Lego was too extreme. Honestly at this point I don't remember my exact wording - this happened last Friday. But I did bring up Michael. He has seen pictures of him in the house and photo albums. He knows that he has another uncle that is in heaven, etc. I shared with Josh that Uncle Michael got soo soo sad and soo soo mad that he decided he didn't want to be here either. He didn't ask for help or tell anyone how he was feeling. And now, because he made a bad choice, we don't and won't get to see him until we are in Heaven too. I then grabbed him into my arms and cradled him and cried as I told him - as I do every day - how much he is loved and wanted and needed and special and how long I prayed to be a mommy even though ALL my doctors said it was impossible, and how I got to be the most blessed mommy in the world because I got Joshua and Christopher. I told him that I would always be there, and so would the important people in his life. he can talk to any of us and it will all be ok. I did use and approach this entire conversation on his terms and his vocabulary and understanding. I had him repeat the important parts to me and explain what I said and he seemed to be truly getting it.
So this is where we are: he has said this phrase several more times and I don't think he truly understands - that it is just a trigger for attention. BUT knowing my family and Josh's dad's family and the myriad of mental "issues" going on - there are huge red flags going up inside me. And then watching my friend watching her son regress to the point that at 10 he has a suicide action plan, I am a wreck. I have been praying and trying to figure this all out. I have a peace about what i shared with him. But you know how it is, you second guess yourself when you are a parent.
That is where you guys come in! If you are still reading this novella! What would you have done differently? Feel free to share constructive criticism. I am just looking for more tools to have in my arsenal. Thank you all again. For listening and for being there for me. I am looking forward to hearing from you all. Love, Cherise
Thursday, February 26, 2009
For my Josh and Topher
Many people come to me for advice regarding their child or children with special needs. I consider that an honor and privilege and I do not take it lightly. I know that my insights, words, advice, etc can literally impact another person or family. I have been out of that line of work entirely over the last 18 months because I had to cut back on the number of things that I was involved with. Is there a part of me that misses it? Yes - of course. It was a source of great satisfaction and it made me feel important because people looked up to me.
Over the last 18 + months I have had numerous health issues and family problems to deal with. My mom came down with cancer and I had to take care of her. Thankfully she is better now and they believe all the cancer was removed when they did her surgery. But taking care of a cancer patient (when you are not a nurse) who just happens to be bipolar, can take its toll on you.
And then there are my babies. Topher (my 5 year old) is in kindergarten and is reading and just excelling at most things academic. He has been stimming (for those who do not speak "Autism" it is a self stimulating activity - like hand flapping, spinning, talking excessively without redirection, etc). Now please do not get me wrong, my boys have come a LONG way thanks to God and his direction and insight. However, they still have issues. It seems as though I get one thing under control and something else comes along. Topher has settled down some and I am working on developing a program for him. It breaks my heart to watch him regress and lose some of the functionality and tasks that he used to be able to do.
And then there is my Josh. He is having such a rough time. Please forgive me if I don't make any sense because I am writing this through a momma's tears. He begs me not to go to his dad's house. He calls me from there to beg me to come home. He will be crying and promising he will be a good boy and all I can do is listen. And cry. And cry some more.
His teacher emailed me the other day to tell me that Josh finally shared with her that he doesn't want to go to dad's and only wants to be with me at our house.
I believe that with all of my personal health issues, his dad's health, and his grandmother (who lives with us and has been battling cancer and a myriad of other health problems) that a majority of what he is handling is separation anxiety. Mix that with the everyday stresses that his little 7 year old self is facing and he is acting out. I know that he loves his dad and Daddy would never do him any deliberate harm. There is something bigger going on here and I am afraid that it may all be my fault. I took myself off of the back burner for a while and I just can't do that for now.
I need to apologize for making it sound as though I believe Daddy is doing any physical damage to him. I am just grasping at straws and was venting. It came out wrong and for that I am sincerely sorry.
With that said, and back to his teacher's note:
After that he would apologize for every little thing he did and got nervous at the end of the day because he wasn't sure who was picking him up. I have talked to his teacher, principal, guidance counselor, social worker, nurse, doctors, therapists... I am at a loss.
The one thing I know - or knew at this point - was that out of everything in my life, I was a good mom. Not the best mom, but a good mom. I don't know how to help my babies. I feel as though the core of who I thought I was is being ripped out for all the world to see that I am not what I thought I was. I wanna help my boys be all they can be. And yes, they are far better than they used to be. I praise God for that. But I am at a loss as to what to do. I know that God has the answers and that He will bring them through anything. But right now I am scared, and hurt, and confused. I don't like watching my sons get frustrated enough to scratch their faces until they bleed. I also do not like watching my kids storm off from their breakfast line to go to a class they do not like to go to.
This about sums up where I am:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVXHN6vPgWw
He's My Son - Mark Schultz (Mark Schultz)
I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
Sure You can understnad
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes
Chorus:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son
Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there
Chorus
Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son
(c) Myrrh
Over the last 18 + months I have had numerous health issues and family problems to deal with. My mom came down with cancer and I had to take care of her. Thankfully she is better now and they believe all the cancer was removed when they did her surgery. But taking care of a cancer patient (when you are not a nurse) who just happens to be bipolar, can take its toll on you.
And then there are my babies. Topher (my 5 year old) is in kindergarten and is reading and just excelling at most things academic. He has been stimming (for those who do not speak "Autism" it is a self stimulating activity - like hand flapping, spinning, talking excessively without redirection, etc). Now please do not get me wrong, my boys have come a LONG way thanks to God and his direction and insight. However, they still have issues. It seems as though I get one thing under control and something else comes along. Topher has settled down some and I am working on developing a program for him. It breaks my heart to watch him regress and lose some of the functionality and tasks that he used to be able to do.
And then there is my Josh. He is having such a rough time. Please forgive me if I don't make any sense because I am writing this through a momma's tears. He begs me not to go to his dad's house. He calls me from there to beg me to come home. He will be crying and promising he will be a good boy and all I can do is listen. And cry. And cry some more.
His teacher emailed me the other day to tell me that Josh finally shared with her that he doesn't want to go to dad's and only wants to be with me at our house.
I believe that with all of my personal health issues, his dad's health, and his grandmother (who lives with us and has been battling cancer and a myriad of other health problems) that a majority of what he is handling is separation anxiety. Mix that with the everyday stresses that his little 7 year old self is facing and he is acting out. I know that he loves his dad and Daddy would never do him any deliberate harm. There is something bigger going on here and I am afraid that it may all be my fault. I took myself off of the back burner for a while and I just can't do that for now.
I need to apologize for making it sound as though I believe Daddy is doing any physical damage to him. I am just grasping at straws and was venting. It came out wrong and for that I am sincerely sorry.
With that said, and back to his teacher's note:
After that he would apologize for every little thing he did and got nervous at the end of the day because he wasn't sure who was picking him up. I have talked to his teacher, principal, guidance counselor, social worker, nurse, doctors, therapists... I am at a loss.
The one thing I know - or knew at this point - was that out of everything in my life, I was a good mom. Not the best mom, but a good mom. I don't know how to help my babies. I feel as though the core of who I thought I was is being ripped out for all the world to see that I am not what I thought I was. I wanna help my boys be all they can be. And yes, they are far better than they used to be. I praise God for that. But I am at a loss as to what to do. I know that God has the answers and that He will bring them through anything. But right now I am scared, and hurt, and confused. I don't like watching my sons get frustrated enough to scratch their faces until they bleed. I also do not like watching my kids storm off from their breakfast line to go to a class they do not like to go to.
This about sums up where I am:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVXHN6vPgWw
He's My Son - Mark Schultz (Mark Schultz)
I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
Sure You can understnad
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes
Chorus:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son
Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there
Chorus
Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son
(c) Myrrh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)