Many people come to me for advice regarding their child or children with special needs. I consider that an honor and privilege and I do not take it lightly. I know that my insights, words, advice, etc can literally impact another person or family. I have been out of that line of work entirely over the last 18 months because I had to cut back on the number of things that I was involved with. Is there a part of me that misses it? Yes - of course. It was a source of great satisfaction and it made me feel important because people looked up to me.
Over the last 18 + months I have had numerous health issues and family problems to deal with. My mom came down with cancer and I had to take care of her. Thankfully she is better now and they believe all the cancer was removed when they did her surgery. But taking care of a cancer patient (when you are not a nurse) who just happens to be bipolar, can take its toll on you.
And then there are my babies. Topher (my 5 year old) is in kindergarten and is reading and just excelling at most things academic. He has been stimming (for those who do not speak "Autism" it is a self stimulating activity - like hand flapping, spinning, talking excessively without redirection, etc). Now please do not get me wrong, my boys have come a LONG way thanks to God and his direction and insight. However, they still have issues. It seems as though I get one thing under control and something else comes along. Topher has settled down some and I am working on developing a program for him. It breaks my heart to watch him regress and lose some of the functionality and tasks that he used to be able to do.
And then there is my Josh. He is having such a rough time. Please forgive me if I don't make any sense because I am writing this through a momma's tears. He begs me not to go to his dad's house. He calls me from there to beg me to come home. He will be crying and promising he will be a good boy and all I can do is listen. And cry. And cry some more.
His teacher emailed me the other day to tell me that Josh finally shared with her that he doesn't want to go to dad's and only wants to be with me at our house.
I believe that with all of my personal health issues, his dad's health, and his grandmother (who lives with us and has been battling cancer and a myriad of other health problems) that a majority of what he is handling is separation anxiety. Mix that with the everyday stresses that his little 7 year old self is facing and he is acting out. I know that he loves his dad and Daddy would never do him any deliberate harm. There is something bigger going on here and I am afraid that it may all be my fault. I took myself off of the back burner for a while and I just can't do that for now.
I need to apologize for making it sound as though I believe Daddy is doing any physical damage to him. I am just grasping at straws and was venting. It came out wrong and for that I am sincerely sorry.
With that said, and back to his teacher's note:
After that he would apologize for every little thing he did and got nervous at the end of the day because he wasn't sure who was picking him up. I have talked to his teacher, principal, guidance counselor, social worker, nurse, doctors, therapists... I am at a loss.
The one thing I know - or knew at this point - was that out of everything in my life, I was a good mom. Not the best mom, but a good mom. I don't know how to help my babies. I feel as though the core of who I thought I was is being ripped out for all the world to see that I am not what I thought I was. I wanna help my boys be all they can be. And yes, they are far better than they used to be. I praise God for that. But I am at a loss as to what to do. I know that God has the answers and that He will bring them through anything. But right now I am scared, and hurt, and confused. I don't like watching my sons get frustrated enough to scratch their faces until they bleed. I also do not like watching my kids storm off from their breakfast line to go to a class they do not like to go to.
This about sums up where I am:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVXHN6vPgWw
He's My Son - Mark Schultz (Mark Schultz)
I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
Sure You can understnad
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes
Chorus:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son
Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there
Chorus
Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son
(c) Myrrh
