If I was to tell you all of the things that I faced in 2009, you probably wouldn't believe me!
I lost friends and loved ones that I *never* thought would turn and walk out on me and my children. However, I do not blame them entirely. I spent a large part of 2009 in a cloud trying to get my medicine straight and figure out just what was causing my pain and health problems.
I did become addicted to my pain medicine, however - I do want to put this out there - when I was texting or emailing or posting or talking and was completely out of it or not making any sense, it was due to one of the medications I was taking that I had an allergic reaction to and - if you listen closely to those commercials for insomnia medicine - that is what I was experiencing. The whole doing things and then having amnesia about the incident. Yep - that was me. I experienced that ALOT! And the sleep meds mixed with pain and other medications, I did some scary things while unconscious.
In fact, I ended up in the hospital over all of it and THAT is when the allergy and tylenol poisoning was discovered. I am SO THANKFUL for that happening in my life because it saved my life. My doctors had no idea they were actually causing and helping me to spiral out of control.
I am ok now. I still have my numerous health issues. In fact, I have to have a legion removed in 2 weeks. Please pray that it will be ok and that the doctor will be able to remove the cancer and there will not be any more found.
What kills me is that the medication and the problems I face were because I have and had documented physical problems and serious pain. (I have degenerative disc disease in my back - 3 herniated/bulging discs, a hairline fracture that keeps getting ruptured, plus severe osteoarthritis up my spine, and all of that has caused nerve damage to where I go numb in my hands, arms, feet, and legs. Also fibromyalgia. Its FUN FUN FUN!! And now a cancerous legion that spawned from an underlying condition that I have had for more than 20 years that was given to me by my step-father. And the people that have turned their backs on me - you know the ones I mentioned that I thought would NEVER leave me, those cornerstones of my foundation that I *knew* I could always count on - those are the ones that have left me. And they live their lives *choosing*....*not NEEDING*... to inbibe themselves on things that are not necessary for survival - an example would be alcohol.
I have to look back over 2009 and count all that I lost as seed sown. Some of it I feel was not necessary and some was so deeply ripped from my heart that I feel it may never heal. BUT- all of it has been an answer to prayer. I asked God to bring me to the end of myself; to the place where I know that He is all I have left, and to be ok with that. Everything has added up to that being the only answer in my life. Thank You Lord!
So - I am hoping to write some everyday. I know that I have a voice inside of myself that needs to speak, I know I have alot to say. I am finally ready to admit that I have been holding back in this area - because I am afraid to be hurt in ministry again - but I have learned that ministry is just like anything else - its not about other people and their responses, its about you being faithful to do what you are called to do. The rest is between them and God. As long as you do what you are called to do, its all good.
Although my heart is broken over some family relationships that are broken beyond repair at this point, I must keep moving forward. I mean I cannot come to the Lord when my time on Earth is up and say "I'm sorry I didn't finish my work on Earth Lord, my family said I was crazy and didn't know what I was doing." Its not between me and them, its between me and God.
I pray that the pain in my heart will lessen each day. I miss this person more than I can express in words. And the fact that there is no belief left for me nor understanding and support for some new found torturous information, it is beyond comprehension.
I will get into all of that and explain it more as my heart begins to let go. I know this message is cryptic to say the least.
But the time has come to speak of other things! (Know where that line came from??)
Today is the first day of 365 wonderfully fresh and new days for each and every one of us. I pray that each gift is opened with wonder and surprise.
Sending my love to you all. Thank you for following our journey.
